The Uncertainty Between Plans
I've always been a planner. Plans for the summer when I was in school. Plans for life after that. Mysteriously not too much wedding planning. Being uneasy about the future was an omnipresent feeling since I understood the concept on a rudimentary level. Plans are a way to guard against the uneasy, randomness of all the big bad things that could happen tomorrow. So I planned.
Everything was figured out until I reached a road block or a contradiction stopped me. Being a doctor sounded fun, based solely on watching episodes of House and being interested in the body, but the realities were too much for my young curious brain. Too much time and money invested in something I wasn't 100% sure about was too risky. So I changed the plan.
This happened many times over in various circumstances and relationships. I would pivot and change the plan, reluctantly, but not without taking the time, too much, to mourn the loss of my never to be realized future. Most of the time I didn't want to change the plan. I wanted the world to shift back to my plan. It was set in stone in my mind. Change was sacrilege.
After mostly making peace with the fact that change is constant in life I've learned to become comfortable with a level of uncertainty that would have given me a panic attack years ago. This helps with my creative expression also. Writing without editing is easier because I will find things to change later. It’s much more enjoyable to start any kind of project because I'm never certain of the end product. It might be great or not. The not used to haunt me. What if my creations weren't good? Then I would be like every other person on the planet. No one publishes everything they write or create. We don't see every stage of the design or photo editing process. The polished end result is what is remembered.
There is an universal quote about only finding magic, fulfillment or new challenges outside of your comfort zone. You can hear a message so many times and not have it sink in until you are ready to understand or receptive to it. I was, and still am sometimes, someone who likes to stay in my comfort zone. Some days I barely stick a toe outside of it and other days leave it happily. Getting to this point was a lot of work. I taught myself through baby steps in intentional risk taking and learned it wasn’t that risky. Being complacent is riskier. This is easier to identify in others when you hear the same excuses that might be rattling around in your head.
“I want a different X, Y or Z. What do I do?” When you offer different vehicles for making change they come up with excuses. “I don’t have time, money or energy to do anything or try anything different.” They expect the universe to hear their cries and bring change to them with zero effort on their part. Not going to happen.
Change don’t have to be drastic to be meaningful. When you start small they become easier. You wonder why you didn’t try something new sooner or a variation better suited for your needs. I’ve made small tweaks to almost everything worth changing to create a better life I enjoy. Almost a year ago I started learning Photoshop again. With almost no expectations beyond wanting to create graphic design work, a more creative job eventually, I’ve learned so much and created designs my past self would marvel at. That’s the main person I aim to impress; my past self.
Make plans but leave wiggle room for life and change. Take detours when you have time to meander. You never know where you will find inspiration.
