When Trying is a Radical Act
I remember when it wasn't cool to try or care about the outcome of anything. This was the pervasive attitude of the people surrounding me. We were all pretend nihilists. Nothing mattered and we didn't care about anything. Trying too hard was the ultimate sin. This was mostly tied to academics since we were high schoolers. For me, this bled into my extracurricular activities including swim team and choir. I really enjoyed singing and swimming, not having damp hair when it's freezing outside, so it was kind of impossible not to try at those activities. The desire and drive to succeed was lame and the kiss of death. Why try when you could just, not?
The problem and internal conflict for me was I wanted to try and succeed but look like I didn't. Get a good grade on a test? Say it was pure luck and you didn't study even though you definitely did. Procrastination was another offshoot of this. I would convince myself to do something later or decide it would be mediocre and then at the eleventh hour stay up all night crafting it to perfection. I wanted to care and work hard but was worried about the perception of being a goody goody and too smart. Trying and failing is also terrifying. Blowing off all accomplishments and praise also came with the territory. Making any kind of effort is trying which makes the act of producing anything tangible, I didn't skip assignments, spitting in the face of the philosophy I was trying to uphold.
All of this conflict was internal. No one said to my face, “You are trying too hard!”, but I still felt the need to be a slacker savant to prove I was smart without trying too hard. To have a high GPA without sacrificing all my free time. To get into college but not be too worried about it. Some people have this art down to a science. Others couldn't fake their effort with the bags under their eyes and 50 pound backpacks weighing them down contorting their backs. The girl who would eventually be our valedictorian who sat next to me in health class was upset about this class tanking her GPA since it wasn't weighted like her advanced classes. The highest grade you could get in health class was a 4.0 compared to the new standard of excellence the 5.0 which you only get from advanced classes. She graduated with a 5.0 which is the ultimate testament of trying.
In college, this notion was partially flipped on its head. There are plenty of slackers and people who don't care about grades in college but that is usually the minority. If high enough your GPA can make you stand out among the expanded herd of students and effect your chances of success in the real world. So I decided to try and not feel bad about it. I was in the type of classes where reading and writing were the main components with some presentations thrown in. It took a wild ride of a freshman year where I flunked an English course because I forgot to care or try but was also at the crack of dawn. Being surrounded by people who study and work hard makes it easy to see this choice as more desirable. Who cares if I would rather study than party? I leaned in to the academic, smarty stereotype who likes to learn and study because when else will I have the opportunity too? After college comes the real world which won't let you stay holed up in your room for half the day, unless you telecommute, reading books and writing essays.
Outside of the comfortable confines of college, trying and working too hard can easily lead to burnout. Depending on the job, trying hard constantly is a given or at least not totally unexpected. But beyond work, especially if it's not your favorite, how can you keep trying and striving when no one is there cracking the whip? Being a slacker at work is largely permitted, mostly in entry level jobs that are way too easy, and slacking off occasionally is fine to me. But the pervasive perception of the slacker savant still hangs over office culture. Every office has at least one. The truth is more likely they are just a full blown slacker.
I decided to experiment with trying and working hard outside of work last year. My job, while fairly tolerable, is not creative in the slightest. I would have a backlog of creative impulses gush out of me on the weekend or in the evenings. I decided to funnel these impulses into my own projects. That's what led me to start my own website, write consistently and meet new people in the process. I'm going to a weekly group where we create new graphic design projects. Even though it would sound lame to my past self, like going to someones house to do extra homework, it is fun and incredibly inspiring to see what people can create or expand upon during a couple free hours after work.
I've come around on trying being something worthwhile. Because I don't want to be the sad slacker in the corner wishing new opportunities would come to me while unwilling or unable to put in the work. You have to create your own momentum in life. Expecting change without changing anything doesn't make sense. You have to try and even then there are no guarantees. But would you rather be a slacker for the rest of your life or try something different? The key word is try.
